Black Friday, Men and shopping in general...

     Since it's Black Friday and some of you crazy people are out shopping while the rest of us sane people stay home and emerge from our turkey comas and work off our food babies, I thought I'd tackle the subject of men and our general dislike for shopping.

 On days like today, you generally think of people waiting in line for hours, in fact they've usually been there, in line, outside of Best Buy since 11pm the previous evening. That is nuts. The only time I'm going to stand in line that long is to meet Chuck Norris or go River Boat Gambling with Sean Connery. Standing in line is generally not one of our strong suites.

 One of the main reasons we don't like shopping around is pretty simple. We like to go in with a plan. We know what we want and go straight to it, pick it up, pay for it and leave. If we're shopping for multiple people, we think about everything we are getting and go into town to purchase it all in one fatal swoop. If we don't know what we're buying for crazy old Aunt Marge yet, we don't look around for something to get her. Aunt Marge's present can wait until we figure out what to get for her and anyone else that we haven't figured out a suitable present for.

 Most other men that I know, myself included, don't like hunting around for THE perfect gift, shirt or sweater. The only hunting we like to do is for something that could potentially kill us, like a pack of rabid wolves or a giant agitated moose in rut. Our mind works in a very simple and efficient way. We take in information and store it for later use. We try to be as practical as possible about things. When thinking of gifts for people, this information pops back up and we use it to figure out what to get for you. Once that's figured out, it goes on our mental list.

 When looking for something for ourselves, like new pants, you know what we do? We buy the same  crap we already have. Why? Because it works and we don't have to spend time figuring out what to buy. When I need new pants, I buy the same style of Levi's. They work. We know what we like and go straight to it almost every time.

 The reason we don't like going shopping with women is very simple. You are the polar opposite when it comes to shopping. You like to find the best deals, the perfect sweater for the Christmas party and you want to find Aunt Marge a present while you're out. I'm not saying these are bad qualities, they're not. My wife finds more great deals on things than I could even dream of. I'm glad she does too, it makes it a little easier on an already close to empty wallet. What I'm trying to get at here is that women are in general, very patient. Men on the other hand, we want what we want, when we want it. Wow, that was a lot of W's. But it's the truth. Our gender is not very good at waiting unless we're up in a tree stand or in or beside a stream, lake or river. It's just how we are.

 One last thing on our disdain for shopping, especially around the holidays. When you visit the mall from now until after the new year, there is one thing that you are guaranteed to see. A giant crowd of people. Before you even get into the mall, you are required to enter Mortal Combat with other drivers over parking spots. Everyone suddenly forgets everything they learned in Drivers Ed and all of their experiences driving. People become ticking time bombs. A lot of profanity, hand gestures and sometimes extremely creative facial expressions are used. It's frustrating. Finally, after yelling a lot of insults that you don't even know the meaning of and getting cut off and robbed of a parking spot for the 746th time, you find a parking spot, five miles from the mall. You're exstatic about it, but the battle isn't over yet. Not by a long shot.

 Once you defeat the Parking Lot of Doom, the next horrific phase of the Holiday Shopping Gauntlet is upon you. Working through a crowd of people who have no clue how to walk. I know that I for one don't do great in the holiday crowds at the mall. Since I'm a man and impatient by default, I can not stand being behind slow poke non-walking zombie shoppers and guess what? The mall is full of them! This is where our impatience really gets the best of us. We will repeatedly let out angry moans and sighs and start to get really red in the face. When we need to get to Old Navy and it's only 30 feet away but we know it will take us 10 minutes to get through the crowd, it makes us turn into the Incredible Hulk. We start throwing buses and kicking people into the next state until we reach Old Navy. We go in and find you a really nice, soft and luxurious scarf, get excited that that's one more present to cross off the list, pay for it and re-enter the crowd where we have to yet again Hulk it out so that we can get into Bath & Body Works to find you a glorious set of body wash, shampoo, conditioner and moisturizer. It's a vicious cycle and there's only so many garments we can destroy turning into the Hulk. Our happiest moment when shopping is the second we see that we're putting the mall in the rear view.

   I hope this helps you understand why we despise shopping. It's not our fault really, it's just part of our impatient nature. It doesn't mean we love you any less, we just absolutely loathe shopping.